To Scale a Mountain, You’ll Need R.O.P.E.S

Chatting with friends at the San Francisco Writers’ Conference, I was happily ruminating on the benefits of endo- and exoskeletons in the context of spirituality and religion, explaining that there are times in our lives when, like bugs, we need external structures to keep us safe and functional. Though we delight in the strength and mobility offered by our internal skeletons, we often need external buttresses as well. Most notable examples are when we are growing and our bones are not yet strong enough to support us adequately, or when we are experiencing personal or social stress during times of trauma and transformation. A protective parent, a crib, armor, and a cane are all examples of external physical structures that we need in order to flourish. But there are also non-physical supports that we need in order to be fully alive and effective. These include such things as a therapist, a twelve-step program, a personal trainer, a deadline, or a religious community.

Most people have a yearning for connection with the natural world, with other humans, and with God. Whether there is a “God gene,” or just social conditioning, I do not know. But while we may yearn for a personal relationship with a loving God, many of us have turned away from religious institutions as being more about hate than love. Those of us who have abandoned the institution often describe ourselves as “spiritual but not religious,” meaning that we see ourselves as principled, loving, and connected to a higher authority without the constraints of an overly rigid religious institution.

So far so good, but …

I think of religion as the exoskeleton and spirituality as the endoskeleton of faith. Most of us manage very nicely with a strong spine of spirituality and a direct connection with the divine. And certainly the exoskeleton of religious systems and dogma can keep us fettered and unable to develop as we ought. Like the crib that the child outgrows or the shell that a hermit crab molts out of before it can grow, many of the creeds and dictates of the institutional church (or synagogue or temple or mosque) may be useful in our infancy but can impede true growth as we mature.

But there are times when our inner spines are not enough and we need more. Parents who know how to protect and push, friends that know how to comfort and challenge, and religious organizations that use external structures to empower without enfettering are life-long gifts. Though we prefer the mobility and strength of spirituality (our internal skeletons), we should also acknowledge the benefits of the religious institutions (our external skeletons) for helping us manage life’s challenges.

“Okay,” said one friend. “How do you answer someone who asks what to look for in a faith community? How can one identify a church that provides an external structure that is empowering rather than limiting?”

“Well, friends and neighbors can tell you a great deal about the strengths of a particular church or faith community. And a robust and updated website is an important tool,” I answered.

He pressed. “But what if someone doesn’t know what to look for or what questions to ask? What advice would you give then?”

It took me a couple of days, but here goes:

First of all, a yearning to be part of a faith community is all about connection. We want a connection with God and our fellow creatures on the journey. And to the extent that searching for God is like scaling a mountain, we need ropes.

So here are the clues (presented in the Biblical chiastic structure) that I would look for in finding a religious community that offers me a rope to climb rather than chains that will keep me in enslaved:

• Respect – I look for genuine respect between all of the people of the community. This includes appreciation for but not adoration of clergy. Disagreements are healthy as long as they’re out in the open. The Golden Rule of treating others as we wish to be treated is critical. Respect is also evident in how we treat people of different ages, races, socioeconomic backgrounds, sexual orientations, and lifestyles. I worry when I go into a religious community where everyone looks like each other. I delight in seeing different ages, clothing styles, accents, and opinions (both theological and political).  It’s a good sign if there are people with obvious physical and mental challenges, as this means that they feel valued. As a visitor, I like it when people come up and show interest in me, rather than trying to get me interested in them. Respect is a key part of being welcoming. Respect

• Openness and Opportunity – A community that is willing to try to new things is healthier than one that insists that doing it the same way it’s been done in the past. Equally important is the practice of openness and transparency in decision-making. Further, it should provide many and diverse opportunities for celebrating, learning, and serving. Thus, a wide variety of educational and arts programs, mission trips, service opportunities in the local community, book studies, prayer groups – to say nothing of different styles of worship – are signs of an empowering church. Always look for a community where the large majority of people are involved in providing services and making decisions.

• Play and Pray and Passion – Joy is a really good sign; laughter and playfulness are green lights. But so also is the acknowledgement of sorrow. A faith community needs to provide opportunities for sharing pain and providing support for those in need. Organizations where lay people engage in visits to hospitals and shut-ins and are active in providing spiritual care are healthier than those where clergy do it all. (Churches where the pastor does most of the work – whether it be in worship or in pastoral care responsibilities – are often communities that are being cared for, not empowered.)  A religious community should have passion, i.e., a delight in witnessing and sharing the love of God and a yearning for justice among all people.

• Experience and Encouragement – Several commentators have noted that those religious institutions that emphasize belief about God are in decline whereas those that emphasize experience in the Holy are growing. This makes sense to me, because one person’s belief can be another’s anathema. Some people use the Bible as a bludgeon – which is not helpful to them, their opponents, or God. What faith communities must do instead is to provide opportunities for people to experience God. There are as many different ways to experience the divine as there are individuals on this earth. Thus I look for diverse ways to connect through worship, study, service, e.g., choral classics, African drums, lessons for Scripture, modern poetry and stories, art, drama, dance, meditation, training in spiritual disciplines, book studies, volunteering at the local homeless shelter and elementary school. Perhaps most importantly, I look for churches where I can experience the divine through the genuine kindness and care of each other. Also, since encouragement means, literally, “to give heart to,” a religious community should be one of encouraging each other to be the best that we can be and to share our gifts and skills with those in need.

• Spirit – Is this a faith community or a Fortune 500 company? Is the focus on numbers or on spirit? Are people more focused on budgets and people in the pews or on celebrating God and serving God’s people? While good stewardship means a healthy respect for budgets and numbers, the time we spend in fellowship with a religious community should be markedly different from the time we spend at work.

I welcome your comments on this. Do you have a better explanation or list of things to look for? I would love to hear your stories.